


Heading home

by Idontknow1311



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-11 00:34:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13513053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idontknow1311/pseuds/Idontknow1311
Summary: Todd and Dirk are driving home. Todd decides to broach the subject of Dirk’s time in Blackwing.





	Heading home

“This is a good one. Why don’t we keep that as a backup for it we’re driving past a gang of old women.”

 

Todd sighed as the rap lyrics struggled to overcome the disproportionately high bass that Dirk had decided to configure. “I don’t think a group of old women is called a gang.”

 

“Well what else would they be called?”

 

“... a gaggle? I don’t know.” 

 

“Todd,” Dirk said, theoretically rolling his eyes, “I’m sure you’re aware that a gaggle is a group of greese. I think gang fits perfectly. Just think of how many years of mischief and mayhem old people have. They have this perfect disguise of decrepit seanility but I know from experience that their minds can be just as horrible as the rest of ours.” 

 

Todd thought back to his grandma and the various reasons why he hadn’t ever spent time with her. While he didn’t want to admit it, Dirk had a point. His grandma had been a nasty piece of work. Certainly not the doddering old dear that everyone else seemed to have as a role model. 

 

“How brilliant would it be if a gang of old women was called a  _ murder _ .”

 

He scoffed, looking over at Dirk and then flicking his eyes quickly back to the deserted and endless road, “How did you get from gang to murder so quickly.”

 

“It’s not that strange, Todd. I was thinking of all the different names we give groups of creatures and remembered that a group of crows is called a murder. Whoever came up with that one must have been a huge fan of gothic fiction. I think it fits quite nicely though.” 

 

Dirk went back to fiddling with the scanner once more, his lip slightly poking out as he attempted to zero in a station broadcasting what sounded like 90’s Britney Spears. 

 

Todd let his mind drift as Dirk distracted himself. The man was surprisingly quick to drift off to sleep so Todd was surprised to not feel irritated by his presence yet. They had spent days driving but very little time talking or actively interacting. He had considered once if that was how Dirk spent so much time awake when on the case. Hibernating between cases seemed to make sense in a strange way.

 

The old Todd would have been contemplating crashing the car at the thought of so much alone time with Dirk but strangely, he didn’t seem to rile him up any more. It was like once he understood what Dirk’s deal was, he started appreciated the fact that the man wasn’t an asshole yet. Strangely, being part of a completely unpredictable and random reality had changed his own attitude. He used to wake up hating not just himself but hating everything and everyone he came in contact with. Now, he just felt normal. It was peaceful. 

 

“Oh I do like this one. It fits the scenery very well indeed.” 

 

The sound of jazz music came through the car’s radio. It had the low-quality sound of a local rural broadcaster but it was nice. 

 

Dirk yawned, tired again. Once Farah had been well enough to use her phone, she had transferred them each a stupid amount of money. When he had called up to protest, she had hung up each time he tried to convince her to take it back. After twenty very frustrating calls, he had given up and accepted that the universe was paying them back. So Todd and Dirk had been able to afford a room each. Although sleeping in a king bed was nice, he found the separated spaces a bit lonely. Most nights he stayed up late watching terrible movies with Dirk and eating pizza. He hated admitting that he looked forward to it now every day. 

 

They lapsed into silence, Dirk resting his head on the window while Todd kept his eyes on the road. The calming sounds of lounge music in the background breaking the silence. 

 

His mind strayed to the issue that had kept him up at night since the case had been solved. 

 

Blackwing. 

 

Todd had been waiting for the right time to ask. But the problem was, there was no right time to ask. He knew that Dirk didn’t want to talk about Blackwing but it felt weird to ignore it. He was meant to be the man’s best friend so it almost felt like his duty to ask. The longer that he held off on it, the harder the topic would end up being to talk about. He didn’t want them to shy away from issues. It just wasn’t the way he wanted his future to go down. Now that things were starting to work out for him, he didn’t want to create yet another barrier to happiness. 

 

He glanced over at Dirk, who had shut his eyes as he rested. He knew he wasn’t sleeping but just enjoying the peace. He looked relaxed and even though he wasn’t smiling, he looked happy. Until another case arrived, they were forced just live like normal people. The thought was nice. 

 

He bit his lip, choosing his moment. 

 

“Hey,” Todd said, trying to disguise his nervousness, “can I ask you something?”

 

“Hm? Of course.” Said Dirk, lifting his head off the window and opening his eyes. 

 

He looked so peaceful and content, which made Todd feel like a complete ass for intentionally asking about such a crappy topic. He could tell that the man had no idea that Todd was going to be such a downer. 

 

“... about Blackwing.” He trailed off, struggling to keep his sentence flowing. 

 

“Oh,” said Dirk. The man’s expression quickly became closed and guarded. It was unsettling to watch how quickly he had changed. 

 

“I just wanted to ask if you’re okay? I mean, some pretty serious stuff happened and… I haven’t been a very good friend-”

 

“Todd what are you talking about. Our case, if anything, proved pretty conclusively that you are a fantastic friend. After all, you didn’t have a choice but to tell the truth while under Suzie’s spell.”

 

He blushed, thinking about how completely powerless he had been against its effects. 

 

“Thanks, Dirk. But I mean… you went through some pretty traumatic things and I should have asked you a lot earlier if you were alright. I know that everything worked out in the end but it wasn’t right for us to ask you to go back to Blackwing.”

 

Dirk gave him a pointed look, “I will remind you, Todd, that it was literally our only option at that point.”

 

“Yeah, I know,” he replied, feeling like a bumbling fool. “Look, forget I said anything. I don’t know what I was trying to get across. I just felt bad about the whole thing. It wasn’t right to send you back. I know we didn’t have any other options but it still was a pretty crappy thing to do.” 

 

Dirk sighed deeply and the sound surprised Todd. It was a deep, weary sound that seemed to come from some adult part of Dirk that was very rarely revealed. 

 

“I’ll admit that I wasn’t excited about going back,” admitted Dirk. “One could even say that the thought horrified me. It’s not secret that they didn’t treat me particularly well when I was there. But the thing is… I wasn’t afraid of going back and being locked up like I had been in the last few months. That was… well, it wasn’t great… but I had memories and experiences to remember. Even if I had never been rescued, I still would have been able to remember that for a time, I had friends that truly seemed to care about me. It was thinking about when I was young that scared me. That if something happened to you and Amanda and Farah and everyone else… that remembering you all would be too horrible that I wouldn’t even have that. At least when I was in there before, I  _ knew _ that you were all out there. When I was young, I had nothing. I don’t think I could go through that again.” 

 

He fell silent, his eyes downcast as he picked at his jeans. His face was turned away slightly, just enough so that Todd couldn’t see his full expression. It felt like someone had come up and punched his heart into his gut. He didn’t know what he hoped to achieve by asking Dirk about his time in Blackwing. In his stupid, unreliable brain, he had thought it was help Dirk to talk about it. Now, he just felt like an ass. An ass that was forcing his friend to go through trauma again. 

 

He imagined Dirk as a boy, confined to a room alone and watched through double-sided mirrors. He imagined his trusting and expressive eyes as the door opened for yet another round of horrors. The thoughts made him sick. 

 

“I’m sorry, Dirk. I didn’t mean to make you think about it again.” 

 

Dirk turned to him, his eyes suspiciously shiny in the afternoon light. “Todd, although it may not seem it, I can assure you that I think about Blackwing a lot. It doesn’t exactly let itself be forgotten.” 

 

“Christ, Dirk. I’m sorry. We were having a good time and then I opened my mouth.” 

 

Dirk grabbed his arm where it had been tensely holding onto the steering wheel as the conversation had progressed. It was such a sudden but strong movement that Todd found himself flinching. He glanced down at the hand in surprise, still trying to maintain his eye contact on the road. 

 

“Todd,” Dirk said, his grip surprisingly strong. “My past is not your cross to bear. You’re the only thing that makes it better. I didn’t explain myself well before. Blackwing will always be part of me. Asking about it doesn’t make you a bad friend.” 

 

Todd nodded shakily, his throat suddenly stuck in his mouth at the serious and earnest expression in the other man’s eyes. He could feel Dirk’s grip loosen as he seemed to become aware of his own intensity and the suddenness of his grip on his arm. Todd could feel his hand slip away, just like Dirk was as he retreated into his mind and his memories of the dark rooms and endless hours of suffering. 

 

He pulled the car over onto the uneven side of the road.

 

“Todd-” said Dirk, his other hand steadying himself on the dashboard as the car veered unexpectedly to the side. “What’s happened?” 

 

Todd slammed the breaks down, adjusting the hand-break quickly as he did so. They both involuntarily swayed forwards as the old car came to a sudden halt. Dirk seemed shaken, staring around himself in nervous anticipation at the sudden move. Todd paused for a moment, feeling the tension in the air and his adrenaline spike and surge through his body. His whole body felt coiled like a spring, ready to snap at any moment. 

 

He turned to Dirk, looking at him for just a moment. The man’s eyes were wide and alarmed. 

 

He moved quickly, not allowing himself to really think. 

 

Still in his seat and with an awkward stretch in his back tingling painfully, he circled Dirk into an embrace. The man stilled, his whole body feeling as stiff as a plank of wood. Still, Todd tried to wrap his arms as fully as he could around him. 

 

He pressed himself against Dirk’s neck, his ear against the man’s skin. All he could think of was Dirk as a child, surrounded by men in dark suits and sunglasses. A lonely child that didn’t deserve to be probed and studied like an animal. 

 

To his relief, Dirk sagged into his arms. He curled into Todd’s form, complimenting the awkward position as best as he could. Todd felt his face heat up as the man’s nose buried into his own neck, as if Dirk was doing his best to get as close as possible. He knew that after a day of travelling, he was less than clean but he tried not to dwell on the thought too much.

 

Todd hadn’t thought about the implications of the hug, just that it needed to happen then and there. There was an intimacy about the act that suddenly occurred to him. His face was mostly free, able to drink in the air-conditioning as he rested his chin on Dirk’s shoulder. But Dirk had moved closer than he would have thought the other man was comfortable with, his nose still buried in his neck and his lips only just hovering over his skin. 

 

He was about to release the man when he felt something against his skin. Moisture, not abundant enough to be sweat and not low enough to be spit. He tried to control his shock at the realisation that Dirk was crying. Crying into his shoulder. 

 

He caught himself after the fifth scenario went through his head, flashing through in an instant. Almost instinctively he had imagined ways to exit the situation. But if he was honest, he didn’t want to stop hugging Dirk. His mind had done what it knew best, it had presented the get-away plan. It had, in his former life, literally been his only salvation through many sketchy situations. But he wasn’t in trouble and, he reminded himself, he had pushed Dirk to think about Blackwing again. He had not just pushed him to think about it but it hadn’t been an off-hand remark or a question about it on a general level. He had chosen to talk about something very private and personal to Dirk. Should he be surprised then that Dirk had struggled with the topic? 

 

Todd bit his lip, wondering if he was doing the right thing but still doing it anyway. He tightened his hold of the man, using one hand to run hold the back of his head. The action reminded him of something his mother had once done to him when he had come home after a particularly violent round of bullying. In those dark times, it had done gone some ways to heal his angry heart. 

 

Todd shifted so that his body was less twisted and facing more-so Dirk’s direction. He held him close, trying not to let his old self win and break apart from the hug until Dirk did. Dirk didn’t make a noise while he cried. Todd didn’t expect him to wail but he was surprised at the complete lack of sound, barring one long and shaky breath. His hot breath, so close to his neck, gave Todd goosebumps up his arms. 

 

Dirk stayed in his arms for a few more minutes, his body fully immersed in the hug as if it was his only lifeline. Eventually, he slowly uncoiled himself from Todd, moving back from the centre of the car and towards his own side. 

 

Todd caught Dirk looking away, his cheeks flushed, his eyes red and his expression one of embarrassment. 

 

He didn’t want Dirk to fret over the moment and make it a moment of shame. Todd tended to bring out people’s emotional side (usually by screwing them over) but in this case, that was okay. A small selfish part of him also liked the idea of no one else ever seeing such a side of Dirk. To them, he would be the goofball and stranger but to him, he would get the real Dirk. 

 

“Are you okay?” He said, knowing that he had to say something to bring him out of the embarrassment. 

 

Dirk nodded, not saying anything. The silence worried him. It told him that Dirk was as embarrassed as he predicted he might be. 

 

“You know…,” Todd said. The sound of the jazz music suddenly appeared to him, forgotten in the intensity of the moment. It astounded him that he could completely ignore the music because of the moment that had just passed. “I’m fully prepared to spend the rest of my life making sure Blackwing doesn’t get you.”

 

Dirk smiled, the sight of it melting Todd’s heart like butter in a microwave. Dirk’s expression was still blotchy and embarrassed and his smile reminiscent of a poorly drawn line but it was the most heartbreaking and perfect thing he had ever seen. 

 

“What did I do to deserve you, Todd?” Said Dirk, quietly. 

 

Todd sighed, happy once more. 

 

The intensity in the car had faded and the air felt light once more. The moment had been more climatic than he had guessed it’d be but it felt right somehow. He knew that to an outsider it would have seemed cruel of him to bring up the topic but Dirk had said it himself, asking about it didn’t make him a bad friend. As he went through life with Dirk, he was going to have to get to know his past somehow. At the very least, he was there to comfort him when the memories came up too harshly for the man. 

 

Todd hummed while he pulled back out into the road, his spirits restored as Dirk let a real smile grow on his face. 

 

He didn’t answer Dirk’s question. He knew the answer anyways. Dirk hadn’t done anything to deserve him. They had always been connected. From the minute they had entered the world, they had been fated to meet. His whole life had been spent waiting for the time when his reality would actually begin.

 

Using one of the old handles, Dirk rolled down the window, letting the cool afternoon air rush over him. 


End file.
